On September 21st, 2012, I decided to take my life. I had been fed up with my overbearing and controlling ex boyfriend, my ever-growing amount of debt, my ex-fiancé who first threw me into that debt in addition to his inability to settle down and act like an adult, my mother’s death, my best friend drugging and raping me, and my body image. It all finally come bearing down on me like a ton of bricks. I was ready for death. If you had asked me a year prior to that, or even years back, I would have told you that this day would have never happened… but it did.
I drove back from my friend’s house with tunnel vision. I even told my closest friend (who raped me and I continued to speak to) that I was planning on doing this. His only response was to go to the hospital. I wouldn’t. I had planned on overdosing and having my ex-boyfriend (who was moving out the next day) find me. When I pulled up to the house and went inside he was nowhere to be found. That night he decided of all nights to go over the neighbor’s house and drink before he moved out.
I started to break things and set things on fire. Just to calm myself down. Hoping he’d come over soon so I could fight with him and end myself once and for all. He never showed up. By the time my rage ended I was too tired to fight I just cried myself to sleep. The next day he moved out and three days after that I checked into the hospital. It was the start of the beginning of the rest of my life.
Since then I’ve had the help of my family and friends over the past year and made new ones as well. I have looked back and wished for “this” and “that” but honestly, almost every day, I realized why I am still here and what I would of missed out on had I given up on life.
I’m almost out of debt. I’m still single. Online dating sucks (lmao). I work two jobs to support myself while living under the roof of my closest friends parents to help support me in my battle for my life and future. Along the way I’ve gained an amazing friendship that has helped me most of this past year. I’ve taken in a dog that not only needed someone to love them but I needed to love me. Along with my two crazy cats (oh dear god help me lol).
There have just been so many good and bad things that have happened in my life that I can’t not be thankful for. That I can’t look at the bad and dwell on the mistakes I’ve made and those who have had done wrong to me.
This has truly been a rough, but well worth it, year to live. I’m excited and not so excited to turn 30… but hey that’s life. If I could tell anyone who has been through a moment in their lives where they just wanted to give up I’d tell them give it 365 more days because it will give you 365 more reasons to live.
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